Election 2020 : Let LOVE Lead

Portland Oregon "Mothers for BLM" [conflicted views of each other]

 It is 4am and I am up writing this political subject blog from my reactions to watching parts of the DNC and RNC in times of COVID. There were no large arenas or masses of citizens roaring in response to their party candidates. I have been in an artist mode creating several satirical cartoons about my observations. They are full of questions about how our country has an incredible way of reacting to our government and to fellow residents of this large land. I am going to begin my observations and reactions to past and recent events and finally, hopefully, find my responsibility in this political environment. 

Romans 12:2

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

I want to profile myself first, as a 71-year-old "baby boomer"woman born after WWII. Raised in a small suburban neighborhood, my parent's American Dream home, south of Portland Oregon. I was the first in my family's generation to graduate high school and to go on to receive my BFA from UofO. I came from a modest home, although a struggle for my parents to keep steady employment, I lived in  the same home until I left for the university in 1967. I have traveled, lived, and worked from Alaska to Florida and Vermont to California since graduating in 1973. Currently, I live on the Olympic Peninsula of Washington State.

"Evolution" [from a "white life"]

I realized the year 2020 also means "hindsight" and that's where I will start. To take a look at all I have lived through and seen over the decades along with historical studies. I believe our country, perhaps the world is bearing its true soul to us all.  One blessing from the pandemic?

                                  Who we are, who we want to be in the world,

                          who we are going to respect, who we are going to include,

                     who we are going to give compassion, who we consider essential,

                         who we want to feed, who we want to have a livable wage,

                              who we will provide affordable medical care for.

The hope of finding some answers will require "the endurance of a relay race." [ Michele Obama's phrase in Aug podcast]. It could take weeks, months, years and even decades to see the changes required by hearts. To move on to a more loving society in the future, I will suggest a closer look at the past first. The following are some of the duality of America's intentions in the world.

We are those that built a new country for the freedom of worship and independence from tyrannical rule.

We are also the conquerors that committed genocide of native peoples for the land's natural resources.

We are the companies that built the infrastructure across the land on the backs of immigrants/slaves from the Orient and Africa.

We are who opened our doors to the world for the persecuted to build a life of freedom and do the dirty jobs at the lowest wages.

We are the country the world's "dreamers" have traveled to, to thrive and some to just survive.

We are the leaders in capitalism that still fails to encompass all residents of all colors.

"United Shades of America"

We are white workers fearing loss of jobs {failing economy] and rejecting our growing "melting" pot.

We are who believe that any move to be inclusive of all citizens to uphold their inalienable rights is a move towards socialism, a virus on the capitalist way.

We are global warriors in the name of peace and expanding our trade beyond our country, along with providing the war machines for the world. 

 Next a look at what I have witnessed since my birth and shaped my political thinking. I was a teenager watching the turmoil from three assassinations, equal rights riots, with deaths, and seeing elected officials finally enforcing the amendments made 100 years earlier. Especially the right to vote and access to equal education. Women have 100 years of voting history and people of color since the 1960s. Basically, we have only 60 years of true democracy for all. Still dependent on the area of the country and its enforcement. As a college student, I personally participated in anti-Vietnam war protests, participated in a "mock" political convention after witnessing Nixon, Kennedy, and McCarthy [ shook hands and spoke to all three] speak. I also embraced feminism gratefully. I became so disillusioned by the mid-70s I stopped voting until the nineties. 

 Finally, I realized that not voting was letting others vote for me! By the year 2000, corruption in politics was very clear to me. Now 20 years later I believe we are in a time of change and reckoning.

"Strange Bedfellows".[ how we see them ]

So, what has love and God got to do with it?

First thing first, "Love thy neighbor as thyself". With this commandment, I will frame my decisions when I vote. I will listen to the platforms and watch the actions of those that are representing me and my "neighbors".

"Running out of time?" [endagered species and polution]

I have said and made my peace with the politics of this country. Thank you for listening to my "ranting and ravings". I implore you to take your vote seriously and "lead with LOVE" in your mind and heart.

thank you.

LOVE Songs [ Audio update Aug 28]

 As you can see I chose a song for the title of my blog.

What has love got to do, got to do with it?

What's love but a second-hand emotion.......

Who needs a heart, when a heart can be broken.

There are so many events in my life where I had wished I could hurt less. There has been so much loss in my life and I reacted in unhealthy ways..definitely avoiding feeling at all.

My first lesson in life about coping with loss was to learn how to feel again. Avoidance of my emotions has fueled the addiction I have spent many years in recovery of. 

In this time of isolation, I have listened to more music in my studio as I paint. I have discovered several songs that with a few word changes, have been about my relationship with God. I have found joy in creating "hymn-like" songs for me to sing to myself. The song I first noticed was "You are the Reason". the following is my revised lyrics.

Audio melody only

Lord, You Are The Reason

******

There goes my heart beating cause you are the reason.

I am losing my sleep, pray come back now.

There goes my mind racing and

You are the reason, Lord.

That I am still breathing, I am hopeful now.

I'd climb every mountain and swim every ocean

just to be near you and fix what I have broken.

Oh. you want me to see Lord that you are the reason.

There goes my hands shaking. Lord,

and you are the reason.

My heart keeps bleeding, I need you to know now, oh Lord. 

You have turned back the clock

made sure the light defeated the dark.

I will spend every hour of every day knowing I am safe.

I don't want to cry no more

I don't want to hide no more

I don't want to fear no more

come closer now.

Lord, you have climbed every mountain and crossed every ocean.

Just to be with me, to forgive where I am broken.

Oh, cause you want me to see,  that I am the reason.

So, I promise to climb every mountain and cross every river.

Just to stay with you and to be forgiven

Cause, you want me to know

Lord, that LOVE is the reason.

Thanks for reading my posts and helping me to feel connected with my friends, my loved ones.

Two more songs I love 

with no need to change the lyrics

"Only Love" by Jordan Smith

"Let love lead." by Terrain

ONE Commandment : LOVE

 

The first

Yeshua said,

"You are to love THE LORD JEHOVAH

with all your heart

and from all your soul

and from all your power

and from all your mind."

Aramaic Bible

The second is like unto it

"Love thy neighbor as thyself."

MATTHEW 22: 34-40

Jesus was asked which is the great commandment in the law?  He answered with the one and only laws of Love. To love God , the Creator, and all others as The Lord loves us. All are Gods son's and daughter's, creatures and plants of this garden called Earth.

HEART

First mentioned is the heart. We best understand that Love is an emotion, yet I have many emotions that contain love.  Joy, kindness, gentleness, meekness, courage and trust and are all forms of Love and mentioned in the Bible. Fear is also mentioned in the phrase "God fearing'...Proverbs 9:10 exclaims; "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight." I am understanding from my own life, that all my emotions were given to me to experience. "With all my heart" means all emotions are to be expressed in order to fully give my love to God. So when I am in fear and the emotions of anger, anxiety, depression and frustration  arise, this becomes my opportunity to go to God and ask for guidance, for Rest and for Peace.  My Creator wants all of me.

SOUL

My soul..it is described usually that we HAVE One. I looked to hebrew for the origins of this word. It was enlightening to find the word for soul is "nefesh". meaning throat and wind, two definitions. Further commentaries reminded me that in Genesis 2:7, "God breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and man became a living soul." Therefor man/woman IS a SOUL. So through the "throat" and "wind"  comes a living being. With this image I can see how the trees are my partners.  The soul, my breath is one with them. Also as a child in the womb breathes through the mother until that first "gasp of life" brings her soulful being into this world. I have concluded to "love God with all my soul" means with every breath of every minute and each day to be ever so grateful for a new one.

POWER

Next I will point to Proverbs 18:10. "Do not grieve for the joy of the Lord is your strength." Hebrew for strength is koach. Meaning comes from an unused root, to be "firm".  My first thought is to have the resolve to not bend away from my relationship with God. To trust in my journey and know God's will is far greater than my own.

MIND

Last is , "from all my mind " and I am not sure I can love God from all my mind on my own.  My mental health has affected by a traumatic life as a child and further events as an adult. The result is a mind that has been broken. Therefor my ability to make decisions in my life has been challenging at the least. At my best I have been able to follow my own journey home with help through therapy, meditation, and ultimately knowing who I am. I am not only my mind. My long boughts of depression kept me in the past, full of anger, shame and guilt. Anxiety and panic attacks came from the worry and fears over the future and even if I had one. After my baptism on August 5, 2017, I have come to a place of forgiveness that has shown me how to release the past, have it be complete as it is. My future is promised to me as an inheritance. I will be guided home. Peace and Rest are available to me now. When I accept my mind with all its potential for fear, I give it fully to Him and all is well.

Love thy Neighbor

This commandment is like a mirror of the first or even as a coin has two sides. Both are about love in our relationships, with God and others. My first response to hearing these commandments was, "How can I love this much, I am not able to do this! I struggle everyday just to love myself". So my conclusion is to realize I am struggling to love at all, GOD or others. My prayers are about Gods grace. I have a clue as too how much God loves me and how I can love others, when I surrender to His grace. Only then my eyes are open and my heart knows. Love comes from Emanuel, "god with us". Every page of His Word has Love in every line.  

"I am .. I am God...I am in relationship with you...I am love."

"Sheltering in place"

As August first approaches, the "Stay at home, be safe" mandate from Gov. Inslee is relaxing a bit...with reopening in some areas causing spikes in cases and deaths, not unlike other areas in our country. The US holds the highest numbers for cases and deaths in the world. [25% of deaths worldwide and USA only 5% of worlds population].

I live in a small coastal tourist town on the northern coast of the Olympic Peninsula. As summer arrived with warmer weather, there is an ongoing influx of non-resident visitors filling the main street of town where I live in an apartment. A strong avoidance of social distancing and mask wearing is evident in only 50% or more of people on the streets below my  second floor window.

Being a high-risk target for the virus, I wanted to return to a southern Puget Sound island, only 5 by 6 miles in size..not even one stoplight! A small full-time population and ferry access only.

My goal was to be "safer". Both fear and a desire to "thrive" were my main two motivations..Fear of isolation far from my friends in distance and wanting to thrive with a beautiful wooded landscape and gardening to fill my hours..

As my plans slowly dismantled , one by one, my heart searched for an answer to..

"What has love got to do with it?"

 When the fear of living in this chaotic world with a pandemic , note being led by my own country, I  made a promise to find and express LOVE for GOD, myself and others.

My answer came quickly and the source was clear.

"I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings" Psalm 61:4. .. " nor the pestilence that stalks the darkness..a thousand may fall at your side.(  Death toll currently averages 1000 a day in US)..nor the plague that destroys at midday"..Psalm 91 6-7.

God's gift of deliverence is not a vaccine looming in the distant future against my own and others physical pain and possible death.

I have chosen with some courage to be present each day and open each day as a gift from God.. " I am leaving you with a gift, peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give you is a gift the world cannot give so don't be troubled or afraid." John 14:27

And at the end of each day in the evening.."In peace I will lie down and sleep for you alone, O Lord, will keep me safe.." Psalm 4:8

His promise, "Be still and know I am God" , Psalm 46:10 , keeps returning to my mind and heart and what follows is "Joy". Fear has no strength in the face of Love. This lamb's face is full of joy as she was carried in the right hand of the attentive Shepherd, shielded by the Lord's wing forming in the sky overhead. Only the emotions of Love and joy in this world stamp out my covid-19 fears .

 As God's word washes over me, like a rolling ocean wave, I will walk through each day as my true heart is slowly revealed by God's grace...

Amen.

EARTH DAY 2020

 The Father creator formed a planet we all call home, and we have been given an ability to respond to this relationship with the earth.

It is out of the matter of this  floating orb that we were born into the garden home we were given to live and thrive in.
   Genesis 1:1-2 , 2:7

•  Our garden home has been neglected and in need of desperate renewal. The skies above are saturated with fumes from car emissions, coal burning factories, gas fracking drills and deforestation practices world wide. The rivers, lakes, oceans are polluted with toxins from waste disposal, run off from over logging, tanker spills , garbage dumping and pipeline breaks. The demands of the species called Man/Woman has been beyond our garden home's ability to renew itself and sustain us. We are threatening our own survival. Our ignored interdependence and mandatory moral stewardship has been abandoned .

We are now facing, as one of many species, a pandemic viral disease that reflects our over consumption of natural resources and habitats. The population of the world has increased from 3 to 7 billion in one generation. Resulting in animals being forced to live closer to humans and now sharing a virus. We have also promoted GLOBAL relationships that have catapolted commerce in hopes of meeting the needs of ALL and  even to promote more WANTS  in our world. I see our time of great technology creating the vast computer/phone age, not unlike a vital nervous system, reaching almost every corner of the Earth. With this has come a feeling of interconnectedness. Yet created is a vast commercial wasteland of unessesary products ending up in landfills. Behind this global surge in commerce is an ever increasing demand for jobs for us to just to buy the necessities of living.

 Our garden is now, with this pandemic virus, being  given a chance to heal and become an Eden again. Those who have caused this, primarily US (USA world's largest polluter per person) have been given a chance to renew our relationship with our home's environment. The skies are clearing, the waters flowing clearer and the many animals being given a chance to thrive again. We as humans have become the carriers of a VIRUS COVID -19(HUMID-19?). We are being shown how  quickly nature will recover and be revived when we change our priorities. With mandatory quarantines our behavior has changed. We are slowing our lives down, wanting less, giving more, loving our neighbors and giving wildlife and our environment some rest is the result. Currently we have entered a 6th era of mass exstinction of animal species. This time we could be included in this era unless we wake up. "Our Father who art in Heaven" , also awaits our decision to "return" to a compassionate way of life in this garden.

My favorite quote, I remember from the 1970's concern for the population explosion at that time.."I live simply so others can simply live", Ghandi. This has been my choice to live this way and will continue to do so.

 The skies over Beijing and Los Angeles have almost cleared in a few weeks.  What will we all chose to do? How many more natural disasters and plagues will test our faith and duty to care for this fragile garden?

I chose, in my heart to believe that God's hand will lead us back to love and the wisdom to be better stewards.  To be grateful. Beautiful horizons are an inspiration now to heal and be transformed from our brokenness.  There is always room for more love in this world. Amen. Genesis 1:28

All People [April 4 Post Script]

is the meaning of the word PANDEMIC. This Covid-19 has made us all equal all over this earth... the great EQUILIZER. Yet those who will be most vulnerable to dying in the next years are the elderly already in poor health, first responders in close physical contact with patients and under the emotional stress of seeing so much loss of life, the poor living in unsanitary forced communities like refugee camps, workers of essential businesses and government agencies providing basic supplies and even more of those who have chosen to disregard the lockdown, recommended face covering and distancing mandates. In these ways we are NOT EQUAL.

What has LOVE got to do with it?

What has GOD got to do with it?

I am determined not to have these questions render me speechless. I am praying for the guidance of the Holy Spirit to fill this posting with the comfort and wisdom I so need at this time. I sit here at my computer on this second day of the latest 30 day lockdown. Friends and myself asking , "What will happen, will we get through this?'. Friends with children to raise with an uncertain future, others in there 80's anticipating their lives ending soon without seeing their children again and husbands driving trucks across country or partners working as first responders.

I suddenly felt overwhelmed by the courage I have seen in most to face each day. As a person who has easily given up many times to almost let go of my life for good, I know now when I see this courage in others, that THIS is LOVE.

This disease will by its nature, in its finality for some, tear us all apart from each others side, from each others hands, arms of comfort, of direct expressions of love. Even in the last breaths for those dying they will be totally alone. As a hospice caregiver, this is breaking my heart for the dying and the families only able to say their last words over a phone held by a compassionate nurse. In other places in the world, poor populations do not have these blessings. They will pass away, where they lay, with family or not, infecting others at the same time.

 With LOVE as the guiding force of my life and how I strive to treat others in my life, I will continue to be in awe and humbled by this powerful teaching GOD has for us all. I am loved by my creator and protector , no matter "though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no[t] Psalm 23…..I am not alone and with this virus I am being shown my connection with everyone.

April 4 Post Script

I will turn 71 on April 5, 2020. I have lived a longer life than both my parents [56, 69]. In hearing this virus will be affecting how we live our lives for the next 2-3 years, I am feeling my vulnerability, with my age, being able to survive this pandemic. The vigilance on my part to do this will require me to maintain my mental and physical health and most of all my spiritual health.  I will be as vigilant as possible in my own environment. Most of all I promise  to keep close to my loving creator that awaits me, my hand is being held and I will be guided HOME.

The Lord is my shepard, he makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside the still waters, He refreshes my soul.....Psalm 23

Laughter ( lockdown updates 1,2,3,4,5)

is the sound of mirth and joy....giggles...titters..chuckles...merriment...expressions of happiness...even some of these less spoken words cause me to chortle!

I am posting today in tribute and celebration of my dearest friend and brother Jerry A.  A true Master of "one-liners".  No matter my mood, he can and has pulled me up from my emotional depths and to get my belly to rumbling.  Those who know me well, my midriff would be very noticeable in a hearty laugh! I do try to delay, at times, Jerrys' gratification with my hysterical laughter by acting as if the joke, comment went right over my head. Much easier I might add over the phone. So now I will give you a tickler: His sons asked dad, where do you want us to scatter your ashes when the time comes? his reply, "Surprise me!"

In the '80s at a New Age workshop, a handout revealed the list of  NW indigenous Inuit tribe's favorite human attributes. At the top of the list was "humor". So I ask my question about love....and I remember a quote from Robin Williams, "basically when you laugh you have to make a fool of yourself." And I submit,  I can only do this when I love myself and feel loved. Life can be full of so much apparent seriousness and I do mean apparent. Fear can have and create a life of its own. Humor is and comes from a place that sees or knows there is a bigger picture. This is where my other question, "What has God got to do with it?", comes into view.  Romans 15:13

In memorial, I am going to mention a dear friend and my super fan, that I miss dearly, Marjorie.. We spent her last three weeks together, 24/7, and created nicknames for each other. Mine became easily chosen for me, as "My Jewel' and mine for her was "My Sunshine", after a 3am pain pill was needed and she broke out in song, "you are my sunshine!" Each day we found together something to smile or laugh about, and these were our gifts to each other. She spoke up one afternoon, as two of her sons, Paul, John was visiting, along with daughter Karen, at her bedside. We thought she was soundly sleeping. Suddenly over our laughter, she spoke clearly, "doesn't she have the best laugh!" Next, I did a laughter quote search on google. What surfaced fits perfectly here, "A good laugh is like sunshine in a house." Indeed Marge.  William Makepeace Thackery     

Look for updates of this posting during the National Emergency for the next 15 days. An observance of love, service, and laughter with each other!

March 19 update:

Toilet Paper  

Toilet paper, a shortage, and a potential threat to the American way of life.!? Wow who could have known. This hoarding of an item needed for one's own personal comfort with no regard for others' current need, and leave the shelves empty.  As Gandhi so eloquently puts it, "The world has enough for everyone's need, but not everyone's greed." Thus the empty grocery shelves in one day of panic over this pandemic. So my laughter on this subject is coming from the image of the ones who have chosen a very small view, over a greater one of love and rest in the faith all is good for now. This round small viewpoint by some, sitting safely tucked away and secure in the recliner watching FOX News 24/7.

March 20 update

COVID-19 Checklist

• C …  "Cookies, cookies, cookies, and more cookies!" For me, for my friend Betty as we sit and sip our coffee, and for Teddy, I made him doggie biscuits. Do not forget to enjoy the sweetness of life with the ones you LOVE.
•  O...…….."Overcome we shall" Yes I am confident, attitude is up, immune system up and then I lapse into a place of denial as though all is ok! " Come on over and visit," I have time on my hands. Why not. Enjoy technology, it is there to keep us all connected..
• V....Visualize the news...turn off the sound on the TV. Turn on the captions.  Many commentators LOVE the sound of their voices. Gone are the days of going outside to fetch our newspaper with bedhead and being able to read at our leisure the factual information we could refer to later for updates as needed until the birdcage needs a new liner.
• I.......Identify the real enemy here. FEAR. If our POTUS prefers to call this a "War", then I will refer to a wise leader, President Roosevelt. he reminded us, "There is nothing to fear but fear itself". His contemporary rallied with "Fear is a reaction, courage is a decision.". So choose the road of the HEART.
• D....Driving means getting out my license and checking the birthdate on it! If it says I am over 60. DO NOT GO ANYWHERE...unless absolutely necessary..so far nothing has been!.
• 1...………………..Number one thing to remember? Everyone else. We are in this together.
• 9... NINE hours of REST REST REST get plenty of sleep. I go down at 11 and get up at 8...9 hours of time away from all the talk,  media, and decisions of the day...this is my checklist for the pandemic. Bless you, all..

March 27 update

First Responders needed

What does that mean for me as someone with 30 years of experience as a caregiver and Hospice doulas?  Here I am in isolation and at high risk and cannot be on the front lines. So I have asked how can I give care from afar with the skills I have? I am a seamstress and have the tools and cloth, so masks it is. I will be able to fill a need in a way that will keep myself and others safer and connected. I urge you to find a way to be a "first responder" in your own way to someone in need. Walk a dog, go to store, mail a package, pay a bill, set up skype on a computer for someone in higher-risk or ill.

BE A LOVE RESPONDER.



March 30,   update

"Physical" Distancing

I want to discuss this phrase used to describe a safety measure to keep the virus from reaching one's personal space......I want to say that is the safe distance......and it is a physical one......we can keep our social contacts in so many ways in this age of technology. There is no need to have a social distance. A social, loving contact with each other will ease the stress of not knowing how we are all coping in this time of isolation. This stress from not knowing, being imposed on us is far more dangerous than the physical one. Stress can cause other forms of illness and general feelings of "unwellness". Keep in touch for the wellbeing of others and for yourself. And I suggest you even go a step further and take this time you have to be creative in how you reach out and express yourself.

Blow a kiss from your phone, learn to skype and go crazy in a costume with the grandkids, put a bow on the meals you deliver, include the pets people may be missing. I know you can find ways to keep the feeling of that distance becoming as close and loving as possible.

Practice Social Closeness


April 1  final update

NO LAUGHING MATTER

Today begins the 30 day extended stay at home request by the federal govt or "Lockdown". I am rather surprised that I will be posting now about this pandemic in my "Laughter" post because what I am about to tell you is no laughing matter. A pastor in Florida held Sunday morning services for a 500  person congregation. Families during the service practiced distancing from other families. The curious statement broadcasted on the news was about his argument that this new virus was being "overblown". Like the flu, it already kills thousands a year!  So I went to the CDC for the facts and I was "blown over."

Here they are for  Oct 2019- Mar 2020 9 month season
[based on reports and projections of past seasons of 8.5% of population, 27million}

reported cases of illness  28-54,000,000
medical visits to doctors  18-26,000,000
hospitalizations              400-730,000
deaths from the flu             24,000-62,000

This is what the statistics can be for the flu and also how it impacts the healthcare system on top of the current needs for the pandemic with Covid-19. This is with no flu "stay at home" in the general population other than taking sick leave from work after you get the flu, getting the flu shot yearly, as many do, not all.

Now look at the figure for hospitalizations for the flu and imagine them being similar for Covid-19 without lockdown. Add this number to the hospitals dealing with the flu already.  Now, look next to the death rate for the flu. This is where the big awakening needs to be impressed upon us all. The death percentage is 12 times (the update is 40 times) that of the flu. So the number without a lockdown, distancing, business shut down, hygiene practices, and law enforcement, statistics could be, not 24,000-64,000 as for the flu,  the estimates could skyrocket to

288,000-744,000 DEATHS for Covid-19.

We are at 3500 deaths today, (mid-March prior to lockdown 95, April 20 update with three weeks lockdown is 43,000) the 9/11 figure, since the January record keeping. Two weeks into the stay at home orders for high case areas. Projections are still being calculated at 1-200,000 deaths in the US before this disease runs its course. This is 10-20% of a possible figure above with us following faithfully the lockdowns and safety measures asked of us all.  We are 3 months into possibly 12-18 season till the vaccine is available. So the estimates of 100-200,000 deaths are possible..And so clearly this is NOT THE FLU.

Be careful with your life and others, you are all precious.




                   

Relationship

My theme question may make this subject rather obvious. Yet I awoke with many thoughts flooding my mind for the last couple of early morning hours.  The first four blogs were about my family and friend and my relationship to them and also the "nature" of those relationships.

Therefore my experience recently watching a film about the life of Mother Teresa became profound teaching. She spoke very clearly, when you give, "give with love", whatever you do, "do it with love".  I watched her closely for the remainder of the film to see how she expressed this teaching. She began her ministry in Kalcutta by searching for the "untouchables" left to die alone in the street's gutters. They were given a safe, clean abode to live out their lives. She would not just bathe them in water for a bath, but in loving caresses all over their heads and later their eyes would fill with light and animated outstretched arms as she returned for a visit. Her greatest gift was to give them something being denied them, a relationship. She gave them someone to love back. Now they were not alone   . 1 John 4:8    says anyone who does not love does not know God because God is love
.

My next thoughts went to my studies reading the Old Testament. I repeatedly heard in my heart the message in the scriptures,, simply, "I am".   Exodus 3:14.    Now I also hear " I am... in relationship with you".    Isaiah 41:10.    This is a promise. Even though I have spent most of my life living in denial of this, and visualizing myself in a motion of "turning away" from this truth. I now know that this can not be possible. My visual today is one of everywhere I turn, 360 degrees, Father is there, love is there, waiting for me all along the way.  To deny this truth, connection, promise and relationship is THE Sin. At the moment I lift up my eyes out of my darkness to acknowledge this, I am who I have always been.

Repentance is about me acknowledging the relationship. Repent means to "turn or return".  Zechariah  1:3b   Forgiveness is about God's loving response to our believing we could ever be out of a relationship with Him.  I will forgive their wrongdoing, I will never again remember their sins.    Hebrew 8:12

As my mind moves out from here some final thoughts are how a relationship is the "nature" of ALL I can see now. Obviously, as in nature, we are beginning to understand how each plant and animal is vital to the health of environments on earth. As the wolves were reintroduced in Yellowstone Park the direction of river beds badly eroded by deer overpopulation change courses... Being an artist, my life long pursuit of painting one color next to another and discovering how the colors change is inexhaustible.

 My
studies in astronomy, with my professor in 1970, revealed his summer research at an observatory searching for a very large 10th planet beyond Pluto with a definite "pull"!


My cup has it's saucer.....like I said everywhere I look.

Just as I was about to sign off. I remembered the origins of my name. I was given a Buddhist name, Hokyo Soen, at my Lay Ordination in 1986. The first name is designated as one's true nature, the second is one's life work.  Hokyo means Jewel Mirror my first and middle names. Soen [not legally taken] means round, perfect, and lucid. What is somewhat miraculous to me now about this name is what a Jewel Mirror is. It refers to Indra's Net. It is a Hindu/Buddhist description of the interconnectedness of all of creation.

 It is a net with a round jewel at each knot of the net that reflects all other jewels in the net. This goes on for eternity. My life's work, therefore, is to keep my jewel in its form, a perfect round and clear reflective orb, unblemished. My name is about existence as a relationship and what kind I will have with others. When the darkness appears on my jewel it will be mirrored onto every other jewel, my suffering is shared and others suffering with me. There is NO other.     Mark 12:30-31   Love your neighbor as yourself.. When we choose to live in the light of love and joy, this brightness is reflected out endlessly.

P.S.
  A late-night NBC news flash came on with an update concerning a week-long debate about how to free the last two men.  A week earlier a disaster struck a construction site at a coal mine resulting in 50 men being trapped underground. This mine, located in a small New England state's rural area, has been inundated by reporters after the story broke on Monday. Currently, there are three trapped below. One is a young 33-year-old physician who arrived earlier this week at the bequest of his father. When arriving on the scene he reported to a journalist privately, he was there to fulfill his father's request. One of the last two men trapped in an old childhood buddy of his father's and they had become estranged as young men. They have not spoken to each other face to face since. When his father heard of the need for medical personnel to help with rescued miners, he asked his son to join the medical team.  For the last two men, there were injuries causing them to need direct emergency medical care before they could come up top safely. The son volunteered to go down into the mine and attend to the two men and stabilize them. They were brought to the surface safely, both were DOA at the hospital. His father's friend has his wife by his side in the ambulance, the woman both men had loved deeply and was the cause of the rift in the relationship. The physician and devoted son that remains behind in the mine, dies before his rescue, as the result of a sudden collapse in the mine brought on by a small local quake when it closes off the shaft with large boulders.
  His father, three days later, while in mourning and surrounded by family, was watching an  ABC Sunday Morning news commentary show about the mining industry's failure to value their workers' safety over profits.
  Then the phone rang. His son, Joshua's voice spoke, "Dad, it is finished, be at peace and call on me anytime, I love you,"

Casualties at Home

 it might as well have been a warzone. from 1954 to 1967.
 my diagnosis of PTSD at the age of 57 was proof
 of the battleground that described the house
 on 4400 SE Howe Lane in Arden Park, Milwaukie Oregon




To this day I have not been able to go back through the door, even in therapy as a meditation exercise. I stop at the front door, unable to touch the door nob or knock. As the oldest, I remember more painful events and to this day I am told by my sisters they do not believe many of my recollections. This is the main tragedy of a dysfunctional family, especially for the siblings. The age differences create different memories and a need to forget does not make room for other painful ones. Memories of domestic violence, child abuse, and neglect are best hidden away and forgotten. More easily done amongst strangers.

We were children, helpless to affect the events around us, yet learning how to manipulate as an individual survival strategy. There was no sense of a combat camaraderie as soldiers have, "in this together." And a lack of this attitude is even stronger as adults. It is as though we are all MIA as in "May [prefer] not return home". As of this date, it has been 8 years since my three younger sisters chose to stop seeing me or have any communication. Hurting each other is what we do. Forgiveness is what we need. Healing is what I pray we all will want for ourselves and each other. Mathew 18:21-35

This 1959 photo reminds me of a Christmas that was not an example of how we saw our family in 1993. My mother was at a loss for the reason we all were so willing to leave "home", in Oregon. All our cousins lived within a few miles of my aunts and uncles! So in 1993 on Christmas, my mother did not see or hear from any of us. I was in a Buddhist monastery in Carmel California mountains for 6-month silent retreat. Teri was in New Brunswick Canada with her two kids and a business to run. Lana was in Alaska with her new fiancé and Lisa in Miami running her Travel agency. We could not have lived any further from each other and from my mother. Hawaii was still a possibility? We all received calls, my mother was in the hospital in January and had a code blue twice. We should come to her asap.

I actually took two days to decide to leave. It was a long journey by jeep, bus, plane, and taxi to get there, and did not know if I would make it in time. I decided to go. The plane was held over in San Francisco because of bad weather in Portland. I could have been there faster by Greyhound bus! I asked to speak to my mother in her hospital room while waiting at the airport. They could not locate anyone by that name during my call. Then everyone near the check-in desk heard me yell out, "you have LOST my mother?". The next voice was my mother on the phone asking when will I be there, saying," I am fine, I am sitting up and finally eating some prime rib!" All my three sisters were there. My mother's broken heart from Christmas was already on the mend. My reunion with my mother was healing for us both. As I entered the hospital room she asked everyone to leave us to be alone. She looked up at me and smiled as she confessed she no longer was afraid to die, yet she must share her knowledge of the way I had been all my life as a child. "You have always been afraid, and I have not known how to help you." I was later to fully understand this fear as to how much I felt unloved by my mother and her inability to show me, until that day in the hospital. She loved me enough to tell me the only way she could express it. Psalm 147:3

What has Love got to do with it? 

From a distance, I have seen how each of my sisters survived and endured over the years.  Created fulfilling lives for themselves. I am very proud of them. Happier now for them than I am saddened by my not being able to share in their successes and triumphs. I miss not being able to love them directly, yet from wherever we are, I want them to have all they strive for because I know what we lived through as children and have all overcome. Acts 20:24

.

Born into LOVE

remember those that.." loved us into being".

Psalm 139

 A quote from Mr. Rogers in a remake of his life in a 2019 movie, starring Tom Hanks. I have not seen it yet, but an interview with the actor included a scene with this statement by Rogers. There I sat, stunned by the thought that my parents wanted me. My father was so disappointed by me not being a BOY. I heard this in his voice, over and over, as he so admired all the nephews. My name was to be "Lance". My mother endured many arguments with her mother in law and my dad over circumcision or not. Dad was vehement about it. No one was going to call him "unclean", nor would his son be. He would NOT be cut. Mom confided in me, at age 35, that she was so stressed, she considered ending her life over it. I know now of my father's deep prejudice of the Jewish people and this was also in his strong feelings about it. So my mother, not the mothering type, has four girls, in hopes of having a boy for my father.

  I went to my old photos and found two pictures. and I looked at them closely. I had not really seen them. Here was my father proudly holds up his firstborn daughter. Out of his own life of brokenness, addiction, family neglect, and being at his father's side during a fatal logging accident, my father kept on living. My mother's own upbringing in a southern Idaho religious cult, after sexual abuse by the founder and eventual exile by her own family, met my father and was willing to start a family. What follows my birth is more trauma for my whole family. Drinking leads to domestic violence, child abuse, and neglect.

Therefore, I have spent most of my adult life on a psychological roller coaster. In therapy since college. Literally in a bi-polar adult lifestyle, emotionally up and down, now understood as both genetic and caused by childhood trauma creating my PTSD. There was little room in my mind to establish much self-esteem. At my core was the belief I was not good enough for my dad.  My journey has been about finding my "wholeness" and my true Father. I was baptized and confirmed while taking religious studies at the university. My dad, when asked, came to my baptism, the only family member to do so. I so wanted Him to accept me. I can now see the relationship with my own father and my concept of my Creator was the same. If I was not good enough to be loved it was better to not believe in a Holy Father at all for I would never be worthy. So I explored other practices, Zen, Buddhism, Taoism, and more. Looking for a way of life I could be proud of myself for living.

It is now clear to me, in these photos, that my parents loved me into being. With every bit of heart, mind, soul, and strength they left their pasts behind and went on with life and I am here as living proof of this hope for their futures. Just as God loved us all into being and sent his Son, Jesus to show us how to be fully human, to love, with all of our traumas and weaknesses. My parents both chose to go on with living, to pursue some normalcy, happiness, and hope for the best. I was taught how to be a survivor, to endure another day. Because of this endurance, my mother would hold a factory job for 11 years with weekly rotating shifts. The only job that paid a woman union-wage so a single mother could raise four children and stay off welfare. We had to look on a calendar to find out if our mother was home, sleeping or working. We were called " latch key'' kids. My father barely kept a job after mom divorced him twice and injured himself falling two stories off a scaffold at work after showing up hungover. He even survived a suicide attempt at 55, to become sober for the first time during the last two years of his life. He had been drinking since his week-long binge, after watching his father die in his arms, nearly cut in half from a logging accident on the Oregon coast. He was 17.

My father taught me loyalty to family, tradition, Norwegian pride, the pride of one's craft, and the gift of gab. He was also a very affectionate man. My mother taught me commitment, respect, and gentleness to all living things, and not to fear independence.

 My parents' lives have given me faith in God. I can see God's grace. We CAN love, bring joy, give, and receive forgiveness. Carl "Windy" [story teller}and Alberta "Bert", thank you for being my parents, your firstborn "Judy Lynn".

                                                                             Joy and blessings.

from my dear friend, Lindsay

My Chosen Theme

What has LOVE got to do with it?

EVERYTHING.

First of all, I am 70 years old and do not profess to know the full meaning of this word, or what it means to love another, let alone myself. I will spend my whole life and probably the life of this blog writing about the only subject I could deem worthy.

Second, the word LOVE here is capitalized because for me it is interchangeable with GOD. It is with this Love,  He came to be with us. This is my deepest knowing as a follower of the teachings of Yeshua, Jesus. When asked, he spoke of only two commandments, both equal. Love thy God with all thy heart, soul, mind, and strength and Love thy neighbor [with all thy heart, soul, mind and strength, my understanding and imperfect practice. ] as thyself.. Mark 22:37

 To me God is LOVE and LOVE is God, so I will be asking also "What has God have to do with it?"

This question has been with me since my first clear memory at the age of five. I was standing, hidden away from view by any family member, standing up against the huge picture window facing the front lawn. The floor-length floral curtains and large maroon tufted couch hid me from anyone even knowing I was in the room. I could see the whole world out there, neighbors walking and cars driving past my house. We lived in one of the newly built "suburbs" of the fifties, just commuting distance from Portland, Oregon. An old farmstead purchased outside a small town called Milwaukie, with an "ie," I used to always say as a kid and even an adult.

I still remember what I was feeling that day, with all my strength, as a child in pain, asking from my mind, "It is not supposed to be this way", from my heart, "Why don't they love me?" and my soul, " I feel so alone?"

Was I being heard that moment, in that room, on that day? It was perhaps my first prayer. Did I know even then as a child someone was listening?

  This is when, I know now, my journey and path began to open up to me. It was not going to be one I would have tolerated or allowed for a child and will eventually influence me to consider later to not raise children myself. The greatest sacrifice of my life came from the fear I was too much like my parents. I did not learn from them how to feel connected and cared for. I learned about drinking, screaming, hitting, crying, hiding, hunger, loneliness, shame, blame, beatings, and worst of all neglect.

What has GOD got to do with that?

This leads to my next post, Born into LOVE, and forgiveness for me and my parents.

John 4:16

Rest In LOVE

  love.... is all that matters

My dear friend Molly Walton drew her last breath on December 14, 2019. A long-awaited day after her diagnosis in early 2013 of terminal breast cancer. Ours was a roller coaster of a ride relationship with her hoarding lifestyle and my restless nomadic search for a home to settle down. Molly lost contact and the affection of a teenage daughter in divorce many years before and this trauma led to an empty heart and home. She proceeded to fill every square inch of it for the following years with all she touched and collected. The empty house, like her heart, was being filled up and each item cherished. My story was the loss of my home of 15 years in Vermont in the housing crisis of 2009.  Ten years and seven moves later, with two homeless periods, while waiting for housing to open up , I was always in transition.

   She gave her love to me with time during phone calls, any hour and place. She gave me a sense of continuity....of being loved by someone no matter where I lived....a wonderful gift. I absorbed any items I could of her "collectibles" to give her some peace around the slow liquidation process being imposed by her family. Most items I would not be able to use but would pass on and even throw away. One of my moves took me to another state and I would come to visit and need to stay overnight. I was the only person I knew of that Molly let stay at her place or would want to. She would clear a place for me to walk, to an area of boxes covering a stool,so I could sit down. Then a chair and ottoman were uncovered, so I could make a bed for the night in the living room. It was filled halfway to the ceiling at times with boxes she was going through.  As an artist, I kept encouraging her to make art with me. She kept dreaming of art projects she wanted to finish. In all the years I knew her, we spent only two hours painting together.

Cancer for Molly was a blessing. I know, how can this be? Blessings are love in action. It brought her daughter back into her life. Molly became full of courage, of heart, to contact her and bring the news and reach out.. to love again. Time was short now. In the seven years that followed two grandchildren were born.  First a daughter, next to a son. As the daughter turned five she was identical to Molly at the same age. Molly's life was fulfilled as it should be. Seeing herself live on in the image of a beautiful granddaughter.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Mathew 5:4

 My last visit with her was in the home caring for her in her last days. I was in turmoil over the failure on my part to have a residence for her to come to in these last two weeks. This had been our plan. I had recently lost a house that was suitable and moved to a small apartment in another town. As a trained hospice caregiver I wanted to "walk her home". When I arrived after a four-hour drive, she was conscious but not aware it was me in the room. I was broken-hearted by the lack of care she was receiving. The room was cold, windows open, Furniture pushed up to her bed so she would not fall out. I could only reach her feet and sit in the doorway I prayed for us both to be at peace and asked that Jesus take her hand and walk her home for me. Then the only way I can explain or express it is a feeling of peace and then LOVE filled the room. The next thing that happened was my photo, Molly kept on the window sill flew across the room towards her bed. There was only what Molly and I were to each other. A blessing.